For a grand I'll pee out a Macadamia Nut

My maids are demented!

2009-06-23T23:46:00.000-07:00

Since I can remember, most of the maids my parents found were either strange or psycho. I had Seetha who used to let her hair lose on poya days and start dancing near our garage saying some devil was trying to get her. Then when my friends dropped by she raps any shaggy song in her own weird way. Finally she was fired.

Next came Latha. Also in her fifties. I was studying for my O/L’s and my parents had gone shopping. She came into my room and sang a “pal kavi” and sat there and continued to tell me that she was in a mental hospital a few years back. My parents came back, she was fired.

Then we had another maid. She was diabetic. ( yes, you think I’m going to say she was normal) she had this test tube and every morning she used to pee into it and put some solution in to check her diabetes and bring it to the living room and shout “ nona... ada mata seeni haven’t.” She too was fired.

Next we had Renuka. She used to go a wondering in the evenings and came back early morning telling my mom she had another job. Turns out she was a hooker. Fired. But man, could she cook!

Finally... we found someone nice. Padma. She used to cook at a canteen in a school and we’ve known her for a very long time. She decided to stay and work for us. Last night, she took her wages and went to visit her son. She came back and for two hours she made only three rotis and could barely stand straight. We had some workmen fixing up our backyard but she had fallen asleep half nude in the kitchen. Today our driver caught her smoking pot in the bathroom and then found her inhaling whatever it’s called. I think my dad’s firing her in the morning.
Yes.. my maids are demented.

So my Grandma thinks I watched Porn

2009-06-21T04:36:00.000-07:00

I’m having a bad day, week and month. To be honest, quite a bit seems to be going wrong in my life. The OC is like comfort food. Instead of sulking, pretending to cut my wrists and writing suicidal status updates on facebook, I order Chinese and watch meaningless tv series. At the moment, OC is my comfort zone. So I’m curled up at my grandma’s watching the second series where Merissa decides she’s a lesbian hence making out with some bird, someone’s dad decides he’s gay and makes out with another dude in a parking lot and someone else throws a pool party. Weirdly, my grandma decides to walk about during all the making out and tells my mom that I’m watching “blue films” and she seems scarred for life. Hmm... imagine trying to explain that it’s just normal tv... I did tell her but she just wrinkled her nose and said “chee” and proceeds to ask me why two men were making out and it’s “haraam”. Rofl! Since I love her and want her to live long with as less palpitations as possible, whenever I stay over at her place now, I watch Barney instead.

An Ode to my Vodka Bottle

2009-05-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

Vodka my friend
I’d love you till the end
You make me completely high
Smirnoff you are fly

I drank just half of you
But now I really need a choo
Why do you do this to me
Why do you always make me pee...

Vodka my friend
I'd drink you to the end...

Good Ol' Faithful Ruby

2009-05-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

I just lit up a doobie

And walked down to the garden shed

When my old and faithful Ruby

Looked at me and shook her head

Now I know the Sheriff down the street

Will not approve or think it neat

But what the hell poor Ruby’s looking sad

She sneaked a whiff and boy did she look glad

My good ol’ faithful Ruby’s high

We both laugh out loud look at the sky

I see the stars shinning bright...

And the clouds are pretty darning white

I stroke ol Ruby’s head and say

Oh Ruby you’re a mare that’s gay

But i love you girl none the less

Just keep this secret away from Jess

As i ‘m riding Ruby down the lane

I crash into a window pane

I ask myself oh where are we?

Have we crossed the oceans and the seas?

The next thing that has caught my eye

Are some Lions that can bravely fly....

Oh Ruby are you seeing this too

Or are we riding through the Texas Zoo

Now I lit another doobie

We went back to our old shed

When my old and faithful Ruby

Looked at me and shook her head.

Who needed television when "this" was your family?!

2009-05-19T09:53:00.000-07:00

Since I can remember I've been a t.v. addict. ( No, I never watched Barney even at 25 out of curiosity...I found it too scary). Then I started listening to what my mother and aunts used to do during their teenage days.
My mother had this "Aayah" type person who was with them even when she was older and apparently aayah had massive boobs. So at 70, you can imagine she was not that "perky". So, one fine day, My grandmother had been chit chatting in the verandah with her sister who was apparently the eldest in the family. So you can imagine how respect was bestowed upon the elder one back in the day. Anyway, my mother bribed her aayah with a twenty rupee note ( Which at that time was almost as good as 2000 ) and dared her to walk topless across the verandah where the chit chat was going on. Yes, aayah did it - Bouncy Bouncy. Much to my grandmother's and grand-aunt's bewilderment.
Moving on, I have a well loved monstrous grand-aunt Lady X. Back in the day, the young muslim girls were locked up even during weddings and were not allowed to see the "men". So all of them including Lady X had to be padlocked upstairs in their room. ( Mind you, wooden flooring and right below them was the kitchen where the Savans of Biriyani were kept) Now Lady X needed a wee. She had no choice so she found a clay pot and decided to pee her little heart out. This clay mutti of course had a crack in it... Lunu Dehi for the Biriyani I guess... God bless the people eating out of that Sahan!
So, who needed television as a source of entertainment when this is what they did back in the day?

The Gong rela had fun

2009-05-19T02:19:00.000-07:00

Whoever said the best days of your life would be your school days certainly got that bit right. We were a close knit bunch of girls. The teachers did not fancy us that much and called us the "gong rela" ( Personally I reckon we were smarter than them) I clearly remember our O/L's. Everyone had their Maths books wide open, making sums under trees and outside the auditorium but we had our priorities sorted. We took out our lunchboxes and out fell an egg. Pshhht... So we buried it and gathered around for a solemn last word or two and our Principal made us kneel outside her office.
I then remember taking a frog to school ( No No, it was in a bottle.. safe. ). I didn't have the heart to cut it up for Biology but when they did dissect the poor fellow my teacher insisted that it had only a half formed brain. Apparently unheard of and trust me to have found that bloody frog. Yes, it's not a shock that I studied Science for my A/L's and ended up with a whopping 3 F's! Now that takes talent!
Then we had a teacher who used to breast feed her five year old boy in front of us. These things don't excite us women no... we have the same things! But this woman insisted we look at her whilst she explained the Chemistry lesson and fed her boy at the same time. And they called us the Gong rela?! Pshht. That's whack.
A very good friend of mine possessed a brilliant talent. Falling off Chem lab stools. She would sit on it and the next minute she's on her bum... That happened everyday, until she had her designated chair.
Most of us were not good singers and I say this with confidence. Yaka and I decided to sing a lovely duet. After wailing the first two lines, on a bright sunny day mind you, it started to rain and I mean piss it down. Hence it was decided that instead of bursting out in song, we'd just hum.
I liked my school days.. Infact I loved it. The gong rela is still doing great. Some are graduates, some making babies, and some just trying to pee macadamia nuts.